No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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