Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
