I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
