I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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