did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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