i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
a search helicopter?!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
