Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
