New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
