How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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