Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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