the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
