So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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