He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
