He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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