I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I woke up under a house in Key West
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