Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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