My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
