filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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