Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
