Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
