I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
