He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
