I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
