I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
