He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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