Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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