i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
