found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
