Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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