If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
