It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
