remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
