I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
