and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
