actually, I'm a sock model
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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