I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
