I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
