I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
