i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
