I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
