i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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