someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
