I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
