U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
