come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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