listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Holy shit dude........stairs
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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