This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
