woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We need a shit load of segways right now
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
