What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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