I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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